Toronto Storeys reached out last week to have me contribute to their ‘of the year’ series.
Would it have been so difficult to contact me in September or April? December is kind of a write off, guys.
No matter. I’m always receiving requests for this and that, and granting wishes is kind of my thing.
Picking Toronto’s home of the year though is no easy feat.
First of all, I visit 1.74 billion homes in one night. If you’ve ever been to two house parties in one night, you know that by the end of the evening it’s a bit of a blur. Now try multiplying that by 1.74 billion. (And then, I guess, dividing it by 2? Math…blargh.)
In any event, I visit a lot of houses. And Toronto homes are noted for their eclectic architecture. It’s tough to compare one to the other when they differ so greatly in build and design.
And sometimes, a house that looks fabulous from the outside is a real downer behind closed doors. I can’t tell you how many big, fancy homes have children on the naughty list. And you wouldn’t believe how many children on the nice list don’t have permanent housing.
Sorry. Things just got heavy. Let’s cut right to it.
Toronto’s Home Of The Year for 2018 is…drum roll, please (there’s always a little drummer boy around at Xmas)…
21 BOUDREAU DRIVE.
You heard me. Boudreau Drive. A non-descript street in a non-descript part of the city. But house number 21…well, allow me to descript it.
Their Christmas lights aren’t elaborate.
A string of red…and a string of white. None of this multi-coloured, laser-projected, strobe stuff. It’s a house at Christmas, not a disco. You know how hard it is to land a reindeer-led sleigh on a roof when you’re looking at a projection of a reindeer-led sleigh on a roof?
The roof is sturdy and straight.
Have your roof inspected, people. I’ve seen more bad shingles than a dermatologist. And the shape of some of your roofs? You try parking on a Jerkinhead, or an M-shaped or a Mansard. Don’t be a Jerkinhead. Give me a nice flat roof like at 21 Boudreau Drive.
P.S. 21 Boudreau Drive has a patch of ivy growing up the side that the reindeer love to munch on while they’re waiting (except for Prancer, who finds it bloating).
A regulation-sized chimney
I’m not talking about a chimney that’s built to some housing standard code. When I say ‘regulation sized’, I mean it has to accommodate my butt. Santa is packing more than toys on these trips, and the chimney at 21 Boudreau is large enough to give me easy access and egress.
Old School Security
You’d be surprised at just how similar my job is to the job of a burglar. Technically, I broke and entered 1.4 billion homes last Dec 24th. Now, obviously I’m leaving toys instead of taking them, but still, a home hard wired with alarm systems and guard dogs can ruin anyone’s Christmas. 21 Boudreau Drive has a simple old-fashioned bolt lock and no alarm and, umm — please don’t rob 21 Boudreau Drive.
Good Christmas Tree Placement
I’m normally not a fan of open-concept main floors. I like a cozier layout, and open-concept is way too expensive to heat in the North Pole. But when I’m working, and time is of the essence, I do like a nice uncluttered space to navigate. 21 Boudreau is an open concept and designed in minimalist fashion. I’m able to spot the tree right away and can make my way to it in the dark without the aforementioned butt knocking something over.
A Simple Show Of Thanks
Look, I do what I do because it spreads joy. And the kids deserve that. But deep into the night, it’s always nice when there’s a little something left out for Santa. 21 Boudreau Drive does it right. A plate of classic chocolate chip. A tall glass of milk. A charming thank you note from the kids. And a shot of Baileys.
Can’t wait to see what they do this year.
Editor’s Note: 21 Boudreau Drive is a fictional home in Toronto. Happy Holidays!