Elevator etiquette often has us floored.
We seem to have things pretty well figured out on the ground.
It’s the journey in between that seems to have us stuck.
Archimedes built the first elevator in 236 BC, and it’s still all Greek to us.
The blank stares. The stilted conversation. That mind-numbing music.
Listed below are five tips on proper elevator etiquette. Commit these to heart and you’ll be better able to navigate the inevitable ups and downs of city living … (And, I don’t want to let you down, so if I’ve missed any elevator puns — which would be wrong on so many levels — I apologize. Just press on.)
1. The Implied Single File
Human beings awaiting an elevator assume no identifiable shape. But make no mistake, everyone in that formless blob of impatience knows his or her place in line. If you arrive late to the party, you can’t possibly guess which of the six arrived first. But you can be fairly certain it wasn’t you.
Wait your turn, you animal.
2. Pushing My Buttons
Button technology is really rather simple. If an elevator button is lit up, it has been pushed.
There are no degrees of pushing.
If you think that I haven’t pushed the button hard enough, and you choose to give it a more ‘expert’ poke, being pushy is the least of your problems.
3. Space Invaders
But if, on those blessed occasions, you are but one of two people in an elevator, you must keep to the other side. There is nothing in an elevator more alarming than an unnecessary snuggler. Except for the alarm, of course.
4. Floor And Door Monitor
Taking position in front of the button panel is a serious responsibility.
Not unlike being a designated driver or a shepherd, you are tasked with corralling and guiding a bunch of us sheep to our destination. You are also responsible for safely accommodating late arrivals. Be prepared to press ‘door open’ at the very last second.
An elevator door is notoriously unforgiving, much like the people whose arms get caught in it.
5. The Walk Of Shame
Despite the flashing floor number, and the fact that you’ve lived in the building for nearly a decade, you’ve gotten off on the sixth floor, bewildered as to why it is not the seventh floor.
Do not attempt to turn around and rejoin us.
We know what has happened.
Save yourself the embarrassment, and just own it.
Hold that head up high, and walk down the hallway with pretend purpose.
And if necessary, attempt to enter someone else’s apartment.